Without You
by a walk in the dark
Summary: Just a little oneshot deal made when inspiration struck. Read AN inside for more info.


**Disclaimer- I don't own the stuff in italics. It belongs to whoever owns RENT. But I do own the rest.**

**A/N- this is just a little something I wrote at midnight on a long car ride, that I felt like I had to share with someone. It has nothing to do with Harry Potter or anything else on fanfic. It's just…I don't really know how to describe it. It's a one-shot, obviously, and comments are always appreciated.**

December 21st, 6 pm, Eastern Standard Time. I lie alone in the sterile white hospital bed that has been my home for the past month and a half. I glance down at the oddly beautiful contrast my arm makes against the bleached white sheet. Even though I haven't been in the sun for over two months now, my skin has managed to retain some of its coloring. The rosy tan of my arm is the complete opposite of the pallid sheet, still smelling of Lysol. I wonder if this is what it will look like in heaven. Will I be the same 15-year-old I am now? 5'4", dark brown curly hair, deep chocolate eyes. I couldn't tell you how much I weigh even if I wanted to. I've lost so much weight since I've been here, it's scary. Or will I be someone else? 21, maybe, the adulthood I'll never get to live? Or maybe 32, still young, but beginning to settle down with a family? Or maybe somewhere in the middle. 26, free as a bird, and not a care in the world. Someone once told me that if you have no problems, you're dead. It couldn't be more true. Everyone I know has a problem. Cary her parents' pressure to be perfect. Marc his panic attacks, Sara with her obsessive-compulsiveness. Mine used to be my weight. But about six months ago, I got to see how good I had had it. Let me start at the beginning.

When a friend is in trouble, you don't hesitate to act. You do anything and everything you can to make sure that they're okay. And if they're bleeding profusely, you act even quicker. One day, I think it was a Saturday, six months ago; my friend and I were walking in the woods. We were talking and not watching where exactly we were walking. She slipped on a wet rock in the path, and went down hard. She fell onto a sharp rock, and cut her hand up. Luckily, it wasn't that bad of a cut, but she bled. I got some tissues out of my pocket and tried to clean up her hand, but I didn't realize I was making the biggest mistake of my life. She had a disease, and when I got the blood into the cut in my finger, the disease was transmitted to me. And that's why I'm here now. I've thought up hundreds of different ways I could have gotten this death sentence, and this is one of the stupidest ones I could think of.

I sigh and roll over to lie on my back. I'm all alone til 6:30, when Mom told me I'm having a "surprise visitor" come. Probably another therapist trying to get me to talk about my "condition". I reach up to my night table and pull down the silver iPod mini I still proud myself in owning. It's two years old, and looks about five, but I love it. It hasn't died yet and neither have I. Scroll, click. I lie back against my pillows and let the voices wash over me. I envy them sometimes. Their ability to slip in and out of a life at will, from a diseased one to healthy one and back again. But then at others, I pity them. Never knowing who they truly are. Is this me, or just a role I'm playing? I must've fallen asleep because the next thing I know I've gone from Maureen mooing her way to saving the lot, to the soft opening guitar chords of Mimi's depression.

_Without you_

_The ground thaws_

_The rain falls _

_The grass grows_

I keep my eyes closed, and think of my own lost love.

_Without you_

_The seeds root _

_The flowers bloom_

_The children play_

A year older than me, brown hair, blue eyes, the most adorable smile. The sweetest boy alive and he had been sick just like me.

_The stars gleam_

_The poets dream_

_The eagles fly_

_Without you_

I fell in love with him the first time I saw him. He was walking down the hall of the hospital singing "Life Support" with his friend Chris as they walked to our version.

_The earth turns_

_The sun burns_

_But I die _

_Without you_

A tear leaks out of the corner of my eye and rolls down my cheek. I keep my eyes closed, and watch our first kiss projected onto the backs of my eyelids, as if by Mark's camera.

_Without you_

_The breeze warms_

_The girl smiles_

_The cloud moves_

We sang our favorite Broadway songs together, even up until the night he died. He had been with me til the very end.

_Without you _

_The tides change_

_The boys run _

_The oceans crash_

Two more tears follow the path of the first one, then two more.

_The crowds roar_

_The days soar_

_The babies cry _

_Without you_

I see his dark wooden coffin, watch myself lay a deep pink rose on top and whisper "I love you, my Roger."

_The moon glows_

_The river flows_

_But I die_

_Without you_

More tears join the first ones, as I cry at the injustice of him being stolen from me. Roger isn't the one who's supposed to die. Least of all my Roger.

_The world revives_

_Colors renew_

_But I know blue_

_Only blue_

_Lonely blue_

_Within me blue_

_Without you_

At this point, I am singing softly with the music. I sit up and turn to face the window, knees to my chest, and continue singing. For a moment I think I hear him singing with me, but, as it brings more tears to my closed eyes, I try to ignore it.

_Without you_

_The hand gropes_

_The ear hears_

_The pulse beats_

_Without you_

_The eyes gaze_

_The legs walk_

_The lungs breathe_

Now there's another voice singing Roger's part. It is so strong I can't ignore it. As we keep singing, I give in to the tears threatening to spill over at the sound of his voice. Or, at least, what I think is his voice.

_The mind churns_

_The mind churns _

_The heart yearns_

_The heart yearns_

_The tears dry_

_Without you_

I can barely sing through my tears, but I focus all my awful feelings of loss and abandonment and loneliness into just finishing the song. Our last song together.

_Life goes on_

_But I'm gone_

_Cause I die_

_Without you_

By now I have forgotten he is dead. Forgotten he couldn't possibly be singing with me. Forgotten.

_Without you_

_Without you_

_Without_

_You_

I sit, my back to the room, shaking with tears, until I feel an arm encircle my shoulders. I just, for a moment believing it's him. But it's just my mom. "Shh, it's okay honey." But she doesn't understand. It will never be okay.

"I heard him. In my head. He was singing with me." I sob.

My mom shifts, uncomfortable. "That, wasn't him honey."

I'm mortified. "Who, who was it then?" I ask slowly, cautiously. I'm not sure if I want to know.

"Me." A voice answers from behind me.

My breath catches in my throat. I'd recognize that voice anywhere. I turn slowly to face my visitor.

Roger. No, not my Roger.

_The_ Roger.


End file.
